A Daily Struggle
"Everyone say 'Cheese!'"
Pictures - I love taking them. I don't love being in them. When I do get into pictures with friends and family, I position myself strategically behind everyone so that only my face is visible. Or, I am the one who says, "I'll sit down in the front!" or more likely, "No, no, YOU get in the picture. I'll take it!"
I am a full bodied woman. I have been for most of my life. As an Asian American woman, I'm quite unique. Most of my family members, my Asian friends, and Asian acquaintances, are small boned, slender, and petite. I'm petite at 5'3", but I'm certainly not small boned nor slender. I'm a heavy woman.
It took me a long time to get comfortable in my identity as a heavy woman. I've tried every single weight loss technique in the book. And, as an educator, I know that the only way to really and truly lose the weight is to EAT LESS, MOVE MORE. Should be simple enough. Yet, it's a struggle for me. A daily struggle. I love food. I love the way good food tastes. And, I don't discriminate. I love vegetarian dishes. Meat dishes. All types of cultural foods. I just love food. And, I know that it's doing a number on my body. I recently had a physical, and while I'm inarguably overweight (by a lot!), my blood work comes back fine each time. Normal cholesterol. Normal thyroid. Normal blood sugar.
Each day, I have to choose what will go from the refrigerator, to my mouth, to my body (and hence, to my
butt, hips, thighs, etc). It's something I think about all day. I face food and think to myself, "Is this right? Is this good for me? Will this help me be healthier for my children?"
Because I know my inner dialogue and struggle with weight resonates with others, I often use this example as an introduction to anti-racist work. I meet with so many people who ask me about anti-racist work - what it takes, what has to happen, and how they can go about doing it. I always tell them that it's hard work (in the same way that nutritionists and weight loss coaches have told me losing weight is hard work). It's a lifestyle change. Some days will feel like you're truly impacting the world and the future. Some days, you'll feel like giving up. Working towards anti-racism will leave you beat up and encouraged all at the same time -- in the same way that I hate being on an elliptical machine, but love that sweaty feeling when the 30 minutes are up. Truth is, I'd love to wake up a Size 6. Hell, who am I fooling -- I'd be happy even waking up a size 8 or 10. But, it just isn't going to happen -- not without thinking about it every day. Thinking about the choices every day.
Here are some of the "diet tips" I've gotten that best parallel anti-racism work:
It's not a diet. It's a lifestyle change. You can't "diet" from racist thoughts or prejudiced feelings. It has to be a life style change. It has to be something you commit to in your every day life, and commit to it being a part of your every day life forever.
A grocery list is good, but knowing what to do with that list is better. Lots of diets start off with giving you a grocery list. You're supposed to take it to the store, buy the recommended items (assuming you know how to select those items), and take them home. But, what do you do if you can't figure out how to cook the food or prepare the meal? Oftentimes, diversity folks give people a "checklist" of things to say or things not to say, but what good do those lists do if you don't know the meaning of what's on there.. if you don't know how to unravel your own feelings and teachings about those things on the checklist. A list does you no good if you can't figure out what to do with it.
Dieting out of guilt is no diet at all. Whenever I tried to lose weight, I often did it because someone said something about my appearance or made me feel bad about myself. So, I would lose weight to gain that person's acceptance. And, in some cases, it worked. I lost the weight. But, I never lost the guilt. Learning to be an anti-racist, and successfully unraveling your biases, has to be because YOU want to do it. It's helpful that maybe someone schooled you and told you to do it, but truly embracing an anti-racist way of living has to come from within.
You'll slip up, and that's okay. There is never a set formula for how to be an anti-racist all the time. For example, an offensive word to one person may not be offensive to another. So, for people who like "formulas" they often get frustrated at this diversity stuff. You have to HUMBLY let yourself slip up, and HUMBLY own that you did. Only then, can you get past the embarrassment, the hurt, and the fear in order to move on.
What are some other ways in which people parallel the difficult work of anti-racism in a way that you and others can understand?